Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/rhod rhod_20131207-1758b.mp3

Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in my kitchen in London with Mr. Lloyd __.

Somebody sent in a feature idea already. You said "This is a good idea." So, let's do it / listen to it / after your audio b__ piece / new idea for your show / something / amusement / myself / and it is called "Women's Magazine Headline of the Week". I'm not sure if you've read / far-fetched and slightly comical. For instance, "An angel told me to go bankrupt / listeners could message in one for you, and you can consider them, and using your expet background to decide on the best __ __" That's from Peter Young in N__ A__ / Peter Young, thanks, you know, ...  __ __ be bothered to do it, can you? / you don't have to do anything. They just have to send in their / oh, yeah, OK / It's a listener-generated content. / Oh yeah, listener __ BBC likes that / women's magazines / all magazines / some pretty silly ... / this is what Peter Young said / Peter Young, stop being sexist. / They do have daft __ / women's magazine / don't be daft / women's magazine / don't be sexist, Lloyd / men's magazines are just as stupid. "746 ways to improve your abbs". / I only got through 742 __ my abb / looked amazing / didn't bother / doing the last four.

You've been shaking your head / toward the end of that track. What's that about? / 'cause you were just nonchalantly leafing through newspapers when __ __ radio show to get on with. / This is what Rhod's Coffee Morning is all about. It's a light-hearted g__ through the morning's papers, Lloyd / yeah / a bit __ today, I think. If I / shake my head / still be flicking through the newspaper / I wouldn't / I have been looking ... look at the stuff I've got here / how dolphines / I love you / b__ of seaweed / I'm bringing you __ big stories, mate / dolphines, it says here / "I love you" / b__ of seaweed. ... What do you make of that? See, it's what Rhod's Coffee Morning is all about, Lloyd. I throw some news your way / they've limited a gift opportunity / they do have limilted / pointed out where they live / I think they live in this way, technically. I / Channel tunnel. / that's why / closed __ one time / That's why / often why / Channel Tunnel / you know / slower through the Channel tunnel. That's ... you know it slows down / it's just ... it's like a computer game ... tut tit tut teee ... / I can do / dolphine, right / that was pretty good / that was pretty good / really easy. Have a go / that was dreadful / what do you mean / dreadful / you are inhibited by / be / dolphine / in this room, it would probably be ... I imagine, be ... it's throwing its head back, lauthing, and going __ __ at your pathetic attempt. / plus / flapping around on the floor. / yeah, trying to get in the sink. / they don't __ on land / they? / No, they're not. / Sure dolphines / like nothing more than that / I've seen them / long / sure dolphines / all right on land for a while, aren't they? / No. They are mammals, but they ... / Exactly. They are mammals. / They need to be in the water. / What for? / they / breathe oxigen / Exactly. / Yeah. Maybe they just, uh, / I think they just prefer it in there / adventurous enough. / Anyway, apparently, they say "I love you with a b__ of seaweed. I think it's hard to prove that dolphines actually __ says / I love you / isn't it? / yeah / I can see / dolphines, you know, may give each other b__ of seaweed. Uh, b__ is probably a grand / lump. ... Isn't it? It's a lump / probably more accurate / thing / dolphines / hard to say that they're actually saying "I love you", isn't it? / it might be something more c__. / What? / more __ful / right, yeah / more physical / like, uh, s__ / underwater s__ / I'll get __ seaweed in. ... I've got some, uh, marine news. / Oh, that phrase's cheered me up already. Let's do __. I __ __ section. The L__'s Marine News. Hang on. I'll give it a jingle, "Pu pu pu pu poohh ..." / Good, actually. / Uh, "Newly-weds spent four days trapped ... / this sounds like a reading from something, Lloyd / I'm reading / news / Oh, OK / just / doesn't come / six o'clock / just make stuff up. / He does, doesn't he? / no, he doesn't / holding a newspaper / paper on the desk / great if the / BBC / news on the DVD / just came on / just read out the newspaper / come on, then, Lloyd's Marine News, po po po po ... / "Newly-weds spent four days trapped on S__ island, P__shire, as a sea __ / start that again. I didn't understand a word of that. Newly-weds spent four days ... / island / off the Welsh coast / for their honeymoon / for their honeymoon. ... Why did they go S__ for their honeymoon? / it's just / puffins mainly, isn't it? / Well, there / what was it, again? / seagull / singer / go on / Well, basically / trapped / when they / to leave / seal in __ d__ / to leave for four days, so they were trapped on S__ I__ for four days / went / Island / which is only accessible, I think, by a little boat / big ferry / coast of Wales. S__ island for their honeymoon, and when they went to leave / wouldn't leave for four days / Yeah. / A seal ... a seal wouldn't stay __ __ __ for four days, would he? / that / literally they had a bottle of / That's Lloyd's Marine news. ... More next week.

You can probably hear in the background some ... a lot of rustling / while Rhod's Coffee Morning is about / about a jaunty / g__ / through the morning's papers, what's happened at the moment / our puppy, Rosy, who / let out / whining so much doing the last song / has now grabbed hold of one of the papers, and / producer Jack has just gone over to retrieve it from her mouth so that we can carry on with our j__ g__ __ __ over to my left, it's very surreal, ladies and gentlemen. I do Radio 2 now and again / you don't get this. You just / get a producer wrestling a puppy for a copy of morning paper / perhaps / could describe the scene to the liseteners / his newspaper, and the puppy is putting up / this is like, uh ... it's like the moment when, uh, in B__ P__ when they brought that elephant on. Uh, / they brought, uh, ... you may not remember this / I've seen ... I've seen the footage. / Yes. Before your time / Peter P__ / John / people / brought an elephant / B__ P__ studio / famous desarsterous / Yeah. / what is it called? / not a singer / they brought _u_u into / Peter studio / hilarious / very late night ... No, the elephant, I'm afraid, was, uh, rather badly behaved in the B__ P__ studio. What I don't understand is that ... see, there's nothing we can do about it. This is live radio. My puppy is / now is ripping Jack's headphones apart / tearing / headphone / This is live radio. There's nothing we can do about this. This is the joy of it. ... That B__ Peter program / edited / pre-recorded / no, no. B__ P__'s always live / wasn't live / yes, it was / Jot this down: / live? / definitely live. / B__ P__ wasn't live. Well, are you telling me that they make those christmas things with ... with little, you know, with wrapping t__ around coat hanger / they do all that live? / first / What if they didn't come off? / Well / I never once / sorry, kids / because / simple thing to make. Children had to be able to make it. / I never could. / So, you know __ __ __ or whatever, she practice it the night before / yeah / she / part, you know / made earlier / the chef. / cookery programs. / I suppose, how was ... so, that / wasn't live, was it? / made earlier. / No / she was showing __ basic steps live. And then, uh, obviously / goes / or whatever, she goes / distract a camera man and she put / distract ... I know how to d__ a cameraman __ __ elephant / goes to __ toilet all over the floor / going on the other side of the studio / distracted the cameraman with a live elephant / floor / studio / must have been / carnage over / make some cracker / badly wrong. / 'cause he / coat hanger stuck somewhere. / made the T__ Island. Remember when, uh, Thunderbird was really popular? / Jack ... Jack, our producer, is trying ... he's trying / head / no, no, he's not trying to suffocate / dog / she likes, but she's more interested in Jack's headphones / producer / he is trying / by trying to give her the elephant. That's not / euphemism / trying to give my puppy the elephant, not a euphemism. / When you decided to do this radio show from your house? / Yeah ... / Didn't you factor in / wild animal running around? / I didn't have the puppy when we decided to do the show from __ house. It wasn't a great idea. / still

just realized the dishwasher / on the background / can you hold for a 40 seconds / Lloyd / switch it off / hang on. / Yeah, yeah / Ah, there we go. / switched off mid-cycle. Is that ... is that a good thing / a good feature. Jot that down / Jot ... OK, yeah. / pros and cons of switching off / dish-washer / mid-cycle / Really? I mean, / we've done some bad features on this show. / I think we've done / before. / I think / about four years ago. It's fine. It's a natural ch__ of listeners / still be listening / j__ it down. Well done. Pros and cons of switching off / dish-washer / mid-cycle / phone in my face / 's very unprofessional / because, at the top of the show, you may have heard that / listner / called Peter / suggested that we, um,  / have a feature / magazine, the worst magazine headline stories that you've read. He offered one / angels of, uh, angel may be go bankrupt / advised me" / advised me to go bankrupt or something. Um, and then Lloyd / my face / broadcast, Lloyd / very professional, was it? / well / couple on / one / nip that in the bud as __ __ __ France / Anyway / magazine called "Pick Me Up" / OK / and some of the stories / great magazine / include / other magazines are available / word search / what / serial / let me read this out / Yeah, I am. I just couldn't think of what magazine / look behind you / shelf / what color / Oh, good one, Lloyd / thanks for helping me out / awkward situation there. / pickle. What pickle / goes on / what T-shirt / my / decide what T-shirt to buy / why not / in a caravan / very / jot down / business / j__ that down / j__ / down / feature idea / business opportunity / then / show is over, I'll set up a new company called "What T-shirt". ... I can't talk about / considered as advertizing. ... Anyway, so, what is the headline / magazine / you found / the killer who ate his grandad's bones / broadcast / brilliant. / my / was dead / already picked me up / upbeat stuff / expect / is it?

now then, Lloyd, Christmas is upon us. / Indeed. / Uh, have you done your christmas shopping? / No, I haven't. Uh, nearly / any presents. / OK. I'm not one of those people. / Well, I ... I've got, uh, I've got / recommended by A__ M__ in the Millar. / Oh, OK. / "How about a remote control finder?" / Anyone who spends hours m__ing under their breath while searching / would love this / know / like hours / I mean, a couple ... / sometimes I go / seen / remote / maybe a couple of minutes before I find it. But __ __ how big is the device / exactly / what / how big is it? / looks like a remote control / does look exactly / check / say anything about that, because / have to address that / address that in an article. / She says / considering of tying my remote to a brick so I don't lose it. / Do you know, that ... why hasn't that been done before, "tie your remote control to a brick"? / cellotape it to the television. / yourself an old, sort of, 1970's / idea / on the front / is dangerous. Someone says / as the rope whips taut, the brick flies / behind / smash / face / OK / how big / remote-control finder / I wanna know / the dimensions / the dimensions are absent / OK / get me? / I mean / get / Mary B__'s advice / says / Mary B__'s revealed that she and her husband give each other IOUs for christmas. ... / TV cook said they hand each other promises / my husband / on holiday you've got time to buy a present. It's just the fact / be together / kitchen / around the table." That's fair enough. So, they give each other IOU / more time / buy each other / she says / avoid the last minute dash to ... to ... b ... look, / great / retired antique bookseller / to avoid the last minute dash / why didn't / go out / in advance / avoid the last-minute dash by going out and preparing / retired antiques seller. A book seller. / Yeah. But / he / probably sick of him giving / antique books / probably / sick / books. / need / pastry cutter / I do the last / you / all of it / I just / hate Christmas. / I like Christmas. It's just, uh, whenever you g__ this time of year when all shops / feel need to buy something / I kind of agree with her. Any point in the year / you think / Christmas / your loved ones / rather than lots of gifts / I've found what I want for Christmas. It's in the Sun today. / jump-suit worn / final film, "Game of Death". / Oh, the yellow one? / in Hong Kong, and that's what I'd like for christmas, please. / What? the / track suit? / knock it down / second-hand / I have a replica / just / yellow jump-suits / think / he was a pioneering in a lot of ways / didn't / Bruce Lee / what a jump-suit is / Bruce Lee / karate in a jump suit / you can't do it in a __ / Bruce Lee couldn't have done it in a w__  / all / wouldn't it? / drizzle or ... or a angry seagull overhead, and then put it down when, uh, Mr. H__man / somebody / I know you do. I know you do. I can see that this is hurting you / talking about / light-hearted manner / happy / jump-suit / that / nunchaks / Huh? / nunchaks / eight quid / eight quid a pair. / __

Rhod Gilbert / this is Rhod's Lunch Club / from my kitchen in London / I'm joined / by, uh, Lloyd __ / ladies and gentlemen, you may remember / Rhod's Coffee Morning / you are the guest / co-host / We never know who / drops by on this show / so far, we / five / new / feel / drop by / during a song / question / but again / during a song / during / Jack / producer / here with us / looking / bone now / interested in the update on how / puppy / been doing / half an hour / thoroughly occupied / it does seem to be / answer / massive bone / too big, if I'm honest / twitter picture / Jack / Rosy / bone, so, we're gonna / tweet / she normally has a little / like / dinosaur pelvis / it does look like a / B__saurs' pelvi_, I agree / is they had one / too big / only one I had / in the freezer / fish fingers / not known for keeping dogs occupied for hours / bones / yeah / give / bone / now and then / finger / give me a rest, mate, look / fish finger / I've been wondering why ... we've been doing some digging in the garden / just / looking for bones / dog / Too easy to eat, doesn't it, fish finger for a dog? / I didn't realize / gonna give this some thought, Lloyd / that's done / merely a snack / fishfinger / I think that's an inherent problem / food / longevity of bone / Jot that down / how about a really hard wine gum? / longevity of a  bone? ... The thing is, bone / really food / what about this? : a brick. ... Give a dog a brick in order to keep it entertained for hours / do / eaten / of course I haven't eaten / I have / you know / posh / m__ jelly / kind of place you go / that's the kind of place you go, that is. / my / Shut up. / you / lovely steaks / m__-bone jelly / quite a rustic place in Paris / Yeah, exactly. / rustic little place in Paris. ... Rustic? Paris is a massive, sp__ling city / environment / cosmopolitan / a little rustic / be posh / was / posh / genuinely / place / hang out in Paris / farmers in Paris, Lloyd. / organic farmers' markets for posh people like you / food / Welsh / with a bit of m__ bone inside / OK / salted bread / in there. I mean, / I didn't eat the bone / You are medival, aren't you? / Game of Thrones__ / in your pocket / pleased to see me

Look at this. This is / take a look at your wife or girl friend / Daily Express / men, take a look / chances are, she's not quite a woman she was. / typical / What? Like / sex change / it's not that. It's not ... it's not as, uh ... no. / different type of story / typical female / make-up / times / during her lifetime / overhaul __ __ wardlobe / no fewer than 200 / occasions / 572 / I can't even think of 572 hair-cuts. / __ __ __ / bold, cruecut, f__top, / mohican / mohican / bob / beehive / fringe, feather-cut, perm, / demi / wave, semi-wave / to me / good radio joke / I think that's it. Nine, is it? / No. Dread __ / Dread__. Ten. / um ... afro / yeah / eleven / what about those people / things like / side / head / yeah / then, people. 12. / stencil. We call it / stencil / twelve cuts, right? / fringe / five / Jennifer An_iston / she had a very famous / she / very famous hair cut / 572 by just naming people / called / Jennifer Aniston / very famous hair cut / was it? / Yeah. / down / Jennifer Aniston, please. / enough to work with / you need to be a woman to have a Jennifer Aniston / five quids / you need to be a woman to have a Jennifer Aniston / Jennifer / passed / some other / trendy / don't you think / ninety / get a grip, mate. / he lives in the 80's / say / up to date / I've got one. / oh, you / M__? Nice. 13. / m__ cut / yeah / woman / though / they might / in the middle / these days, Lloyd, people are crossing boundries, back and forth. Things are more fluid than they used to be. And look at this. She says here / times their hair in their lifetime / the mother of re-invention / Necessity? / isn't / the mother / The mother of reinvention / Daily Express, is Victoria B__ ... who has changed .... this is it, / this is why / is the mother of reinvention / Victoria B__ / mother / reinvention / yeah / the mother of reinvention is probably Victoria B__ / she's probably had more than / hair styles / so far / define / she's changed her hair ..." This / blow your mind / settle / down / trying to grasp this: she's changed / from b__ / where / go / to blonde / Really / wait / doesn't stop there / and back again / that's not / mother / I don't know / again / read / say that again / dark / brunet / which is / to blonde / I am finished. / Yeah. / gets me / and back again / Wham. Reinvention right there.

Uh, anyway, this is, uh, / really / coffee / over for another week / next week, Mr. Lloyd __? / No, I'm not. / this / make / says / take this advice / one final thing / it says / apparently / join a q__ / that is the route to happiness / smile on your face / says / think / I'm tone-deaf / hapiness / anyone else in / q__ / see / the dog is barking outside / it needs to go to the toilet / perfect timing to end the show / to say a goodbye / thank you for listening. See you next time.

If you enjoyed that why don't you listen to the whole show? Rhod Gilbert / Saturday morning / 11 till 1.